SAVED.

It is natural for us to say “thanks”, “salamat”, “thank you” or any equivalent words to show our gratefulness or  appreciation to people who may have helped us along the way, or those people who brought happiness to our lives. Most often, people say “thank you” everyday. sometimes, the real meaning of it is forgotten. Some people just say “thanks” for the sake of saying it or whenever they feel it is necessary to say so. But whatever the reason may be, here’s the thing:

Have you thank the One who created the ground where your feet are placed right now? Or have you thanked Him for your eyes that enable you to read this blog? Have you offered Him this two-letter word for your hands that can type messages using your computer? Have you thanked Him for the life of the inventors and discoverers who invented/discovered the gift of science that causes us to have an easier life today? Have you say thank you for the sun, moon, earth, wind, water, chemical elements, food, etc that makes you alive today? Have you thank the One who had been patient to you even if you don’t have time to appreciate all the things He did for you? These are not even 1 percent of the things we have to be thankful for.. but have you thanked Him? Do you even know who’s this Man I am reffering to?…..

No other than GOD.

We say thank you to people for making us happy or for making us feel important but we sometimes or sad to say, we haven’t thanked the Man Above who is the reason of everything. That without Him, YOU ARE NOT HERE! that if He did not gave His son Jesus, YOU do not have the right to do things freely..

What are you waiting for? God did not asked for your 24 hours to thank Him. He did not even harm you for ignoring Him most of the time even if He has the power to do everything. Now, I just want to encourage you to have a quite time and deal with Him. Isn’t it that He deserve to be appreciated? that He deserve our thank you’s?…

remember this: God don’t need us but HE WANTS US. He loves you!

—angeLyn, 2009.

the best feeling one would ever experience is freedom from any worries..

right now, i am so thankful that God showed me once again the way to be free. Free from captivation of  things that hindered me from being happy. This is not just a simple happiness. Rather, its happiness that comes from within. Happiness that no one can snatched out from my hand. God is the reason behind this.

Honest to goodness, before I went to our church’s boot camp, I know in my heart that I need that revival in my spiritual life. And God is so great to respond to my need. I thank Him for using people that inspired me and He talked to me at that very moment, making me realize that nothing is more important than my faith in God. That God is so generous to set aside all my shortcomings and bless me instead. Now, i am starting to live my life in His way. No words can express how greatful I am in everything that’s happening in my life. I was able to forgive people whom hurted me in the past and now, I can say peace has place in my heart.

lets be a miracle to everyone! God is so great!

sometimes, the more we wish the time to run slowly, the more it runs fast. indeed, life is full of irony…

six months has passed.. done with first semester.. few months to go and i’ll be stepping at the stage with black toga and an accomplished degree in Psychology.. wooo.. time really runs fast.. (though this scenario was supposed to be last year pa)hehe…

hhmm.. parang kailan lang when I really had a hard time thinking of my thesis!.. projects.. ojt.. schedules.. activities and the like…  and now… im done. =) few more things to come. this time, i bet thesis will be much harder.. thanksto my friends who are supproting me…

hhmmm.. this is such a mixed emotion.. im feeling happy and sad at the same time.. sabi nga ng iba kong mga classmates, the only time we have a get together is kapag nasa room… hmm.. other than that, delay muna ang reinforcements.. hehe.. no social life… =)

well.. now i am looking forward to a wonderful last semester of my college life…. =) i know theres a lot more to come… im excited for the retreat… at yang “outing” na yan… hehe.. =)

struggling.. this is how i was able to define my situation recently…

what should be given much attention?

doing what is right or doing what will make you happy?

doing the right thing and being happy is a hard battle that you have to deal with…

these are the odds..

if i do the right thing, it will make me sad.. why? because, i know where i stand in his life… and letting him go will make him feel sad (i pressume)

if i do what will make me feel happy, surely, i will cause pain to other people…

now you judge.. in this scenario, what’s the best thing to do?

what’s more acceptable?

what should you consider?

….

i saw him… he was sitting beside me and it felt like my world stopped for minutes….

I felt like running out of air when I was on that situation.. i wanted to shout, i wanted to escape and i didnt dare to turn my back because i was afraid seeing him again…

i know he noticed me. he was talking to ’someone’ that time.. all the people doesnt have a single idea that the man sitting at my back once brought wholeness in my life…

after that incident, i stopped. i took a dep breath, i closed my eyes and upon opening it, tears fell.. that i cannot explain perfectly. all i know is im confused. why did i cried? nasaktan ba ko because he i realized we are now different, extremely different people now? do i still love him or i just missed him SO MUCH??

whatever the answers to these question may be, i know for a fact that the present condition will never change. GOD wants us to be like this.. its for a better purpose…..

one good thing i realized after seeing him again….

"ayoko nang magkamali next time!"

God thought me I must consult to Him before jumping into a relationship again.. I am His princess and no king would desire to see his princess suffering from agony and misery…

despite what happened, i look into the brighter side of it…

ITS OVER… NO MORE US… BUT GOD IS PREPARING ME FOR A FAR BETTER MAN THAN him…

now, what im looking forward to is the next time.. that if God will put us in a common situation again, i hope i will not feel the same way, as to what i felt the last time i saw him…

One year passed and a lot of things happened in my life. All the while, i’ve been sharing a story telling ow much I love him but now it all faded away… No room for second chance, no more turning back, no more hi and hello, no more love and care, no more me and him.. all we have now is PERIOD…

Regret has always been an issue but what can I do? two sides are still reflecting on my mind…

first . . .

I let my world revolved around a man who knows nothing but self-respect. He knows how i should love him, take care of him and respect him but unfortunately doesnt know how to love me back. Not that im asking for an equal or more than return of love, its just LOVE. nothing more, nothing less…. for him it has been a hard thing to do.. he optionally define loving a person this way: "UNDERSTAND HER" thats it. for him, when everything has been understood, no problem will occue. yes it may b true. but have you seen love consists ONLY UNDERSTANDING???? Its like understanding a phrase written on a paper and throwing it after having read…

second. . .

I thought of myself far less than our relationship.. that time, before me, its always him or our relationship… Now i feel guilty not considering how wounded i am by the pain he put me through…i know i was dying but still i pursue with the vice of giving everything to him….

you and i know who’s fault was this…. God had taught me a lot of things that I am thankful of…

wherever you are, I know you’re happy. you always know how to make YOURSELF happy….

i know as of this moment, there are people na  masaya na because "we" have given them what they wanted… "freedom from each other"

upto this time i feel misunderstood… sa bagay, they would never understand a BRAVE GIRL like me…

yes.. im still here talking about my "3 years relationship" that’s now  part of my past na lang… masyado na kasing maraming naging hindrance… and sad to say, i fought but in the end, situation made me realized "its not worth fighting for, it was never worth fighting for…"
but to tell you, I DID NOT LOSE THE GAME… why??

SECOND LESSON FROM SUN TZU:
"cOuNtEr aTtaCk!" — this has been the strategy i used… to do the opposite of what i normally do…  i know i got used to the scenario that he’s always there… now, i found an alternative! my friends at dami pang iba….

SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY/HINDSIGHT BIAS:
usual for irrational girls: "di ko kaya ng wala siya, hirap na hirap na ko, etc…".. it WAS true to me… that i tend to believe in what i’m thinking without a firm logic. GIRLS, dont always do this… yeah, siguro nga, sa una, its hard… but gradually, i know i’ll be classically conditioned to the fact na wala na siya and mind you, its not so hard specially, if you do MIND SET…

"DPH" — (i cant give what this abbreviation means eh… PSY, you know this!)
there’s a huge difference between KNOWING it and  DOING it… the moment i knew that "i need to know what went wrong"… i found ways to know it… i’ve put into actions what i believe i need to do… taking the risk was actually the real way out….

THREATS TO INTERNAL VALIDITY:
1. hiStOrY – (something occured before the experiment)  YUP! I am actually doin an experiment out of the situation, at nakakaasar!!!!! i wasn’t able to seek the history behind the quick change… it’s not testable anymore……. and if ever i will find it out, it will not be fruitful na rin naman….
2. rEgressiOn — that friday, he was so sweet to me and he gave me a call on saturday morning when he was still in the office….. then on sunday, nawala na lahat???????? extremely high and extremely low!!! i cannot compare the odds kasi it was a sudden shift…. SUPER HIGH: prior to sunday, no sign of letting go or changes… SUPER LOW: biglang nagbago. that i dont know!! (you never gave me a single cause of everything!!!! all you told me was the effect!!!!!)

THREAT TO EXTERNAL VALIDITY:
1. Practice Effect - Carry over Effect
this is also one problem, masyado kong ginagawang basis yung mga pinagdaanan namin kaya i find moving on tragic… na carry-over ko yung mga pagkakataon na we’re happy kaya it affects me!
2. Reacivity Effect - Novelty
out of the consecutive experiences i’ve had, well… para maiba naman…. i’ll changed next time….
or, i’ll do TIV-MATURATION (can be from bad to good or GOOD to BAD)

SYSTEMATIC DISENSITIZATION
Evertime im relaxed and not anxious, i disensitized all of my thoughts and after that, I EXPOSED myself to the reality (FLOODING)… Gradually, i faced the fact that there’s no more US… It’s now just ME.

EXTINCTION BURST
almost 2 weeks after the break up, during the time i was moving on, there are times that i wanted to call him looking forward of fixing everything.. the more i wanted to forget him, the more i remember him… but im here, still moving on and battling againts weakness… yes i admit, it’s like killing myself when i was trying to overcome the extinction burst… but here’s what helped me overcome:

REINFORCEMENT
"all the bad things that he did to me for the past months and all the negative side of our relationship became my REINFORCER"… i negatively reinforced myself to succeed over the burst… it was effective!

ROSENTHAL EFFECT
this is the "law of expectation"… actually ‘to yung ginagawa ko ngayon… expect that my life will be FAR BETTER without him… and, yes it is…. better in a way that no more invalid thoughts im my mind.

And after all… here’s what i’ve built:
i am now a better and stronger person compare before…
rational, i should say… Up to now, im in the process of testing my hypothesis and proud to say, step-by-step, im proving it. This is definitely the right road!
this is just one of the big twist in mylife, and i have learned so much from this. I realized that there’s a big part in me that has been discovered after going through this problem…. oo, di naman ako SINUNGALING katulad ng ex ko eh, may nararamdaman pa rin ako, pero masaya na rin ako…kasi dahil dito, i proved that i can be strong no matter what happened. Malayo dun sa ako na hindi kayang wala siya… naku naman, i was able to live mylife for 16 years na wala siya that’s why it’s very illogical to believe that i can’t go on without him…the thing is, im very much inlove with confirmation bias nung kami pa…

The time i shifted to Psychology from Accountancy, di ko nakita yung purpose immediately. And now ko nakita yung purpose behind that….
Now, im learning a lot… learning what numbers cant explain solely, that is how to modify/shape behavior. and  a lot more….. i now can adjust to various modifications in life….

Here’s one more thing, there are friends who’s telling me "sayang naman kayo…"… Para sakin? HINDI. Now I only have FEW regrets…. what made me say this? here…. Di ko pa pala ganung kakilala sarili ko and because of our break up, i knew myself. I knew how to fight for my principles, I learned how to stand up despite rejections and down falls and above everything, i realized what life means, ITS WHAT YOU MAKE IT.

simple advice? IF YOU THINK YOUR ACTIONS/STRATEGIES IN SOLVING ANYTHING ARE NOT WORKING, COUNTER ATTACK!

there are things i thought right but it turned out to be very wrong… masyado ko kasing sinusunod sarili ko to the point that i dont care what other people might tell me…. as long as i want to do things my way, i dont and never consider what HE might feel upon such actions….

now i’m regretting all these things and wishing i could turn back time to straighten things out… they said  "REGRET" has been one of the hardest feeling one could ever experience and yes, it is….

masaya na sana kame kung di ako gumawa ng kasalanan…. kung nakinig lang ako nung mga oras na yun, na nagmamakaawa siyang tumigil na ko… but i did not listen and i continued doing the thing which is opposite to what he wants me to do…. kung iisipin, simple lang naman ang gusto niya eh… "makinig ako sa kanya at sumunod para maging maayos kame…" pero!!!! di ko ginawa yun at ngayon it seems like everything’s too late……

i wish i listened to him that morning… pero hindi ko ginawa…

i wish i was able to let him feel what he’s s saying is important…. pero di nangyari..

it was my fault and i dont have an idea how to bring back everything into good again…  i did my part and i know God will be the one who’ll make decision for the two of us…. i know and i have faith God knows kung anong nararamdaman naming dalawa…. i pray He’ll take away all these hurts and anger na nararamdaman namin para sa isa’t-isa……… and looking forward to the day that love will be restored…..

(>>sorry sa lahat-lahat, i feel effortless though i tried to reach you out… i know you still love me at kung gantong sitwasyon ang kailangan natin ngayon, tatanggapin ko….let us both take away pride and lets go on……alam mo gano kita minahal and until now, nothings changed…)

majority of my posts here tackeled about the negative side of my relationship… now, i wanna start again….

having been through a lot of trials in our relationship. i came up to realized that there’s no use of fighting over and over again for the same old reason….

now i wanna to bring everything into good again… with the hope that both of us will journey towards fighting againts the odds….

loving him was an inevitable fact and irresistable…

now i wanna enjoy my life…. with or without him…..

again.. been sitting here for like an hour ago and still, puzzled emotions has been running in my mind… feeling that has been a part of my relationship…

it was like a month or more than a month ago since i last shared my solitude here,.. now, it is again related to my past blogs…

honestly i wanna reach the end of our relationship but i dont have a good reason to do it…. yes, i still do love him and there’s no doubt about that… it’s just that things are not happening in favor of me, or for him neither but he seems so passive…. he’s a very strong person kasi eh…

hhaaii. tears has been helping me to express my emotions but i know this is not the remedy to the conflict…..

they said "you dont love the person if you’re not trusting him"… its really difficult for me to trust him fully… kaya nga  i dont know if it was really who’s been contributing the major part of our misunderstandings eh…. so sad….